If I were to go ask you what you believe the most important principle in a successful marriage, what would you say? I guarantee a majority of people would say the ability to communicate well with one another. Communication is a huge part of our relationship and if we don’t do it well we can struggle throughout our marriage, and really in life.
Communication is made up of three parts: words, tone, and our non-verbal gestures. It’s important to note that we don’t see these parts as equal thirds when it comes to deciphering what someone means. Only fourteen percent of what we actually say goes towards a person understanding. Another 35 percent is our tone, and with more the other 51 percent goes to our non-verbal gestures. That is a lot for one person to decipher. It is a miracle that anyone can get their point across that the world can actually function. So how can we become better at understanding the people around us, especially our spouse? It all comes down to empathy, assertiveness and respect.
Empathy is the ability to comprehend and share feelings with those around us. We first do this by using a disarming technique. This is where we find common ground, or the truth in statements that the other person is saying, even if it is small. As a missionary, I learned to use this principle daily. I was often faced with people that wanted to argue and force their beliefs down my throat. As a young missionary this often lead me to become heated and force my opinion back. We both left the conversation feeling that we were more right. What good did that do? None. I later learned of this disarming technique and saw the wonders it did. As I search for things I had in common with the people who wanted to argue, I was able to stay calm and in turn calm the other person down. This also led to deeper conversations where both views were examined and the person truly felt I cared for their well-being. If we are able to build on common ground we will easily be able to come together and understand where each person is coming from.
As we start on common ground and show empathy toward the other person they will be more willing to stay calm and understand that we care about how they feel. This will allow the conversation to remain a conversation and not become an argument.
Another great way to show empathy is to ask if what you heard was correct. Restating information may seem annoying, but this allows the other person to see that you were clearly listening. This also allows the other person to clear up some misunderstanding and so that you are both completely on the same page. That is the end goal, to be able to understand each other.
As we show empathy, we must move on to being assertive. We must boldly tell the person of our own thoughts and feelings, and be aware of not just pointing out the faults of the other person. Saying you selfish or annoying isn’t the way to go. More so address an event that caused you to feel in a negative way and why it made you feel that way. Also express your hopes in the situation. As we have this straight forward conversation, it leaves no holes for confusion to creep in. This allows the other person to truly see what we are thinking and is able to better understand who we are.
Now when I say be assertive, I don’t mean be a bully. This again brings up that defensive wall of the other person. If they feel attacked they will defend themselves. That is why respect is also a huge role in this communication process. In the Book of Mormon we read in Alma chapter 38 verse 12 and 15, “Use boldness, but not overbearance… And may the Lord bless your soul, and receive you at the last day into his kingdom, to sit down in peace.” As we show genuine and authentic appreciation for the one who we have a dispute with, we will have a bigger desire to solve our problem. As we do so the Lord will bless us.
There is a point in time where we will all disagree with one another. This doesn’t have to be the end of the world. As we fully communicate with love, boldness, and respect we will be able to solve problems without World War III.
Family is Everything 